I’ve been busy recently drafting my first curriculum for an online course “Sex After Baby”. Actually, it’s gone from being a course to a longer coaching programme. Sexuality is so complex that it’s really hard to stuff it into 3 one-week modules. The issues are both delicate and complicated and it’s never good to hurry through them. It’s much better to go step by step. I’ve been thinking and realized that I need to start… at the end. First I need to say goodbye to my pre-baby self, to my old sexuality. Only then will I have the space to welcome the New. A beautiful comparison with a woman’s cycle comes to mind.
Her period is the final stage of a physical process while marking the beginning of a new cycle at the same time. Without it our bodies wouldn’t get another chance to get pregnant.
In our life there are many moments when we need to say farewell to something. Motherhood is merely one of the most obvious cases. Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding change our bodies not only on the outside but also on a cellular level (I find it fascinating that fetal cells live in a woman’s body long after delivery). We also change on a deeper level of emotions and spirit. Whenever I talk to women, I see how badly they wish to go back to how to used to be. They want their bodies to look the same and their sex lives to go back to where they left off. Sure, it’s possible to regain your old figure if you want it but focusing on it too much robs us of the opportunity to rediscover ourselves. And there’s so much to discover in sexuality! And I dare say that it’s like a computer game, you have to finish one level to unlock new features (sorry for my outdated terminology, the last time I played a game was on Commodore 64 and it was “Flimbo’s Quest” so I’m a bit behind. hat’s the game. Makes me feel nostalgic. I finally know how it ends. I could never make it to the last level.
Is there something you need to say goodbye to to make room for the New?
Let me give you some suggestions where to look and have a chance for more fulfilment in our bedroom:
Beliefs about sex. I don’t know who came up with the idea that a 40-year-old is supposed to have a sex life of a 20-something. And that’s exactly what most people who visit a sexologist think. Our sexuality changes with age and experience just like our bodies change. And these changes are not always negative. For example many women increase their orgasmic potential as they age. Pregnancy and childbirth may also have the power to open a woman up to new ecstatic possibilities. So say bye-bye to your youthful (and let’s be honest) immature sexuality and say hi to the new, richer self!
The capacity of our bodies. Time flies whether we want it or not. Don’t let the commercials fool you – not only teens with perfect bodies have the right to sexual expression! We remain sexual throughout our lives and it’s only up to us whether we keep it that way. Accepting the fact that our bodies would look and function differently will help you enjoy your new, older version. For instance a woman may not have enough lubrication despite being aroused. A little bit of lube is sometimes all it takes to make sex hot again. A man may take longer to achieve erection. With a little help (or by the work of his own hand :-)) he should be, however, able to have intercourse (if not, there’s always pills left).
The assumption that in a certain situation or age some things are inappropriate. Mostly it concerns the status of a mother or father or being older. But how – a mommy wearing latex corsets? A pensioner watching porn? It is us who make ourselves prisoners of our beliefs. Why do that?
The conviction that sexual identity is unchangeable. Many of you may ask – but what do you mean? Isn’t it? If you’re heterosexual you just are. You can’t change your sexual orientation. Sure, you can’t force anyone to change. All these conversion therapies promoted by religious fundamentalists don’t work and are plain and simple violence. But already many decades ago Kinsey’s research has shown that our sexuality is fluid and the scope of our interests may become broader or more narrow in our lifetime. That is, if we allow ourselves to do that and get out of the boxed thinking about being “homo”, “hetero” and “bi”.
And what is it that you would like to say goodbye to in the nearest future? Would you like to send me a few words about it?